Darling, let your tears
shed in blank sheets of paper;
turn them into ink
that will write down
the story of your dear life.
More often than not, fallacies become the truths that people wish to believe.
How is it when the stars suddenly ceased on showing their full brightness? What will happen if they will start to flicker and lose their beam and shine? What will happen to this world that I once knew to be a fruitful and jovial one?
All I thought is that life will always be so full of radiance. Albeit I find myself trapped in dysphoria, I still manage to wear this mediocre smile and voice out some words of joy. Now do I realize that life is really is an unfathomable thing that you need to understand its complexities. Numerous thoughts do come in my mind whenever I think of life as a peculiar thing that sprouted and seeking for its true essence. Is it something for which you need to explore or that you wish to unravel the mysteries within it?
I always blab about it, yet I still cannot find the real answers on what my worth is. What really is the story of my life? Will it still traverse a very long and winding path before it finally reaches for its main purpose? I really do not know. Perhaps, I will bring this life until I manage to escape the bizarre things that makes me doubtful of my existence.
I have always told you that your smile is one of the peculiar yet unique ones that I have ever witnessed. Just the thought of your smile and of your jovial being make my heart beat with weird rhythms. Oftentimes, I always picture your face in my mind, and time passes by with you still stuck in my mind.
I have also told you to avoid wearing winces and grimaces as much as possible. It does not fit your beautiful face. Moreover, it just makes me sad and makes me think that you have some laments you want to share to me yet you just do not have the courage to do so.
Nevertheless, I love your smiles. Please do wear them always. I would always be a fan of them.
I cannot blame others for leaving me. I think I have lost the role of being a friend to them. I also feel out of place whenever I see my ‘friends’ being so jovial enough as they converse with each other. I really feel like a nobody.
I hope I can manage to talk with them like the way I did before. I miss you, friends. I hope you know who you are.
I deserve no love from you, nor from anybody else. I told myself not to love until my heart dictates me to do so. I made mistakes before. I was not cognizant of the words that sprouted out of my mouth.
I do apologize, and I mean it. You simply need to tell me what I shall do to help you forget about everything, and that includes me. I want to live a new life by changing the chapters of my life.
Please do forgive me.
This has always been quite a cumbersome task for me — to think of the start, to search for the words that would initially describe a person especially someone who obtains a pristine heart. It seems that I have always been running out of those nice adjectives that may soothe your feelings. Nevertheless, please don’t worry as everyone knows that you are comely inside and out. Your physical beauty plus your wits and your attitude are those that are truly loved by people surrounding you. I need not to elaborate more every detail of your beauty. All that I can say is that your beauty is so unique that it gives people a glimpse of your very valuable existence in the planet we call as Earth.
I didn’t know that you would give some of your attention to a mysterious lad like me. I have always been so forlorn and solitary and I barely interact with people. I appreciate every attention that you give upon me. Albeit we have not known each other yet, I believe that as we try to converse to each other, we will little by little be able to know who you are and who I am very well.
I am very much grateful that you appreciate most of my pieces that I write and post. Albeit I keep on saying that such posts of mine are nonsensical, you keep on enlightening my saturnine soul by reminding me that the truth is the contrary of what I’ve been thinking about my pieces. You keep on telling me that they are truly awesome and inspiring. Well, of course, I would be flattered though I rarely get flattered with compliments that I receive by people regarding my pieces.
Moreover, I keep on telling you that I have these flaws and scars on me. I am not that good‒looking and I don’t have that good body physique, yet you seem to ignore them. That’s what I also adore from you. It is the attitude that you see first before the physical appearance. We couldn’t blame the fact that people nowadays tend to be fooled by the “outside” beauty of another. You keep on heightening up my self‒esteem. Again, I want to thank you for that.
You have also shared to me some things about love. You have been talking about your past love life — how it made you feel so macabre. Love is way too complicated and mysterious, isn’t it? Do not worry. I know that feeling. Like what some people say, “been there, done that.” And to that lad who has a crush on you yet you somehow turned him down, I do hope that you two would be fine and in good terms. You seek for each other’s forgiveness, and I hope that such would happen.
You also have this addiction to Sheldon of the “Big Bang Theory” television series that you almost want to marry him, right? Well, that is good. At least he gives you smiles on your face and happiness that you may not even decipher for yourself.
This has almost summed up all what we’ve been talking for these past few days. I would like to give you a handwritten letter for I think it is way better and cuter than typewritten letter but I failed to do so due to time constraints. I hope you would forgive me that.
I am very thankful that you exist.
These would be all for now.
I lie on my bed with some blank pieces of my paper on my left hand and my favorite pen on the right. With earphones attached to both of my ears, I listen to the songs on my playlist. Writing while listening to good music is a habit of mine during my leisure time.
I try to decode the meanings portrayed by every song I listen to as I write down the words I hear in those fine music. I will just find myself surprised that behind those songs I listen to are messages that I always love to feel and to reminisce. These messages are ones that make me feel happy, as if they are made just only for me. They’re as if letters written by somebody who dearly loves me.
Song lyrics — they make me love music more. They symbolize something similar to literary pieces that I love to read. Song lyrics seem to be poems when read or recited. “Song lyrics are poems in disguise,” I always mumble to myself. With that, I appreciate music the same way as how I appreciate writing.
I said that I will try not to write too much about sadness. But how can I deprive myself from etching those words onto my creased paper if the only feeling my skin senses is nothing but melancholy? It pulls me down like gravity - even worse than gravity, that I cannot breathe oxygen like I am being trapped inside a chained coffin, buried deeper than the crust of the earth. I’m suffocated, and that the only thing that lingers in my nose is sadness. It is consuming me, atom by atom, until I feel nothing - nothing but being turned into ashes like stardusts lost in space. Lifeless.
If you could only prevent change from playing in the scene, such thing like forever may exist.
No hesitations. Just date me.
Forever, my dear,
is just part of unending
tale of fantasies.
Someone is knocking right through the doors of your heart, yet they are still closed. There are no available rooms for new love. Every door is locked with sorrowful and painful past. Inside, there is this man you still cling on. The chains that prevent him from leaving are very tough. You do not notice that the walls of your heart are gradually getting destructed, and pieces of them turn into melancholic debris as this man tries to pull the chains attached on these walls. You barely notice that your heart is slowly turning into brokenness as the man from the outside tries to fix it by painting smiles on you and giving brand new colors on your life.
Indeed, you are still clinging on to your past to the point that you cannot let go of him. You are trying to avoid any form of new affection from other people, especially those who seek for your love.
Darling, the past may not be changed anymore, but the present is looking forward for you to renew yourself and start a life worth fulfilling and free from distress.
I miss how my mighty pen gets wrapped with my soft fingers as I etch words on those sheets. I miss how my pen bleeds for words. I miss how my mind extracts its creative juices in writing. I love to feel that happiness that I achieve whenever I compose another piece of mine that reminds me of my life — the struggles and comforts that I face as I traverse a journey that is so unfathomable.
Vividly do I feel the urge to write again. Putting your deranged thoughts into words and softly reminiscing what you have become now make me feel relieved. I want to feel the serenity I achieve whenever I write.
I may have been gone for a long time for I laid down my pen in its deep slumber, but now, I will wake it up and let its ink flows again and be transformed into words.